I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
