Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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