Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
