I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
