Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
