Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
