My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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