Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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