Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
