Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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