Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
