why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Is it penis luge time yet?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
