Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Little spoons don't ask big questions
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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