You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
