I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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