I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
