Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
