Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
