I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
