Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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