Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
two words...techno handjob
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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