Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
