She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
