she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
