I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
