you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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