my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
