Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
only you would photoshop your dick
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Semen is not good for contacts.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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