you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
