I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
kristin has been a bad kristin
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
