Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
