So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
