I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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