Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
