Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
