just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
