I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
