You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
