I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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