Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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