it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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