Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
