He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
