You smell like stripper and shame
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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