Soap is not a condiment
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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