that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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