I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
