Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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