The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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