No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
