You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
