At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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