im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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