An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
