I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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