also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
