There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
