i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
