1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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