I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
