This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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