3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize