I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
should my penis look like a turkey
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
