I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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