my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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