when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize