I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
pop tarts are not kleenex
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So vagazzling was a success
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
