I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
