I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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