Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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