She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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