her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
