Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
a search helicopter?!
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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