insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
