I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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